You Could Be Right, And…

Here’s a phrase I wish I’d had when my kids were teenagers and imbued with almost supernatural power to debate even the most seemingly obvious expectations, like, say, going to school. They could cite a million reasons why skipping classes when they pleased was no big deal and furthermore could I just lay off and stop being so uptight?

The phrase I encourage you to commit to memory is:

“You could be right…and…”

To explore the usefulness of these five little words, let’s create an emotionally charged hypothetical.

Your 16-year-old Suzie begs you to let her attend a party it turns out is hosted by a local university frat house. She assures you there is nothing to worry about because she will attend with her trusted friend Jen and Jen’s trusted boyfriend, both of whom you know to be nice kids. Still, there is no way you feel comfortable allowing Suzie to attend a party where the oldest hosting adults may or may not yet be able to grow facial hair.

Suzie says she’ll die if you don’t let her attend and when you say ‘No,’ she throws the book at you: “You never let me do anything!” You treat me like a baby! You always say you trust me, but you don’t!”

This is where five little words and a clear limit can help things from spiraling further out of control. When

Suzie says, “You treat me like a baby,” you say…

“You could be right……and my answer is still no.”

Immediately, a boatload of pressure is removed to justify your decision or enter a debate. You are neither attacking Suzie’s perspective, nor explicitly agreeing with her. You are accepting that in this moment she may really believe you’re an ogre.

That can feel uncomfortable because part of you really wants Suzie to understand you – that you’re a good parent, doing your best and not a meany-head. This part of you that is attached to being understood is the part that tries to be right -- which you may have noticed doesn’t go so well with your teens. Here is your emotional growth point: Let go, for the moment, of your understandable desire to be understood. And stick with your boundary.

One thing to clarify. I’m not suggesting you flippantly toss “You could be right” like a knife that severs empathetic listening and all possibility of productive communication. This phrase is to be employed in a spirit of keeping calm in the face of the storm, which almost always serves your teen better than matching her rising emotional temperature.

(More on emotional regulation skills coming soon.)

For now, remember:

“You could be right… and...”

Keep it in your parenting pocket. Use it in a spirit of love and with readiness to listen while holding your boundary.

Bonus Boundary Tip: If you’re unsure about what limit to set, don’t forget you can request time to think. Try something like, “This sounds important to you. I need time to think about it before answering.”