Watch The Story You Tell Yourself About Teenagers

Poor teenagers. They get ragged on all the time by adults. I know because I’ve done it. As a parent, and even as a therapist, I’d find myself quietly agreeing when friends or clients repeated what has become almost parenting gospel: “The teen years are hell!” Or, I’d nod along knowingly when someone asserted, “Teenagers are sooo (fill in the blank) “difficult…selfish…lazy…sneaky.”

I know what some of you are thinking: “But they are difficult, selfish, lazy, sneaky.” And I agree with you…to a point.

But not to the point of labeling teenagers as such, like let’s just rubber stamp your teen’s forehead “LAZY.”

A label is a destroyer of personhood. And if you choose to see your teen through a label, you will stop seeing the whole person. What’s more, your brain will start to filter what you see to reinforce the story or label you’ve decided is true.

Don’t do that.

Know that all behavior has a goal. When your teen acts argumentative, self-absorbed, sloth-like, or even manipulative, there is a reason -- and it’s most likely not that they have a permanent character defect. They’re trying to meet legitimate needs with the emotional maturity of a puppy trying to catch a frisbee.

If we make their frustrating, perplexing (and sometimes comical) behavior into a character flaw, we miss golden teaching opportunities given only to us who are so intimately tasked with helping them grow into their best selves.

This week, notice where you may be slapping labels on your teenager. Then get curious instead about what need the behavior may be trying to meet.

Something to Grow On: What’s a label you’ve found yourself putting on your teen? What changes when you replace that label with curiosity?